this is what I was listening to tonight and what it made me think about

Before I Ever Met You - Banks
"Everyone knows I'm right about one thing
you and I don't work out
You bring out the mean in me
I bring out your insecurities
You know what I'm talking about
Eventually you'll be fine if we break up
and one day I'll be fine, too
But we should just end it now
before someone gets more hurt than they have to"

My relationship right now, pretty much word for word. I don't like to think that she brings out "the mean in me" but admittedly the kind of behavior I display clearly isn't very nice to her when I'm always pursuing things (or trying to pretend to myself that I don't want to pursue things) that totally bring out her worst insecurities and make her feel like she's never good enough.

"Things soon will be like before I ever met you
Before I ever met you
I never knew my heart could love so hard
Before I ever met you
I never knew I would be enemies with disregard
Before I ever met you
I never knew that I liked to be kissed for days
Before I ever met you
I never knew I could be broken in so many ways"

This relationship and my relationship with my ex, S. Maybe it's wishful thinking in hindsight, but after the pain of that relationship ending I realized how much she'd taught me about seeing my own self-worth. I learned to trust to a level I'd never experienced before, to love harder, to open deeper, to self-reflect and honor the truth of whatever I found in those explorations as my truth at that moment.

When it ended I felt broken, such a deep sense of loss I couldn't stand it, like a physical piece of myself was being torn away (it's such a cliche but there's a reason why everyone says it). I spent the next few weeks traveling in a stupor, on the edge of tears at every moment, aching for her presence in my life to share those experiences. I'll be honest, I was moping and probably miserable to be around. But time helped, as it always does. I grew, healed in a lot of ways. I know I'm a better person for having been in the relationship, and even for having lost it and being forced to find my own way in a new place. We had the chance to rekindle it, and I found myself feeling like I was finally on an equal footing, without the inherent dynamic that had resulted from the circumstances of our meeting. And that was entirely due to being forced to take control of my own life again. But we decided not to - we had one of those non-negotiable things that neither of us could even dream of asking the other to compromise on. So we had one last week of incredible sex, and some bittersweet adventures, and we cried as we said goodbye at the airport, and it was over. (when will I ever get over missing this relationship?)

With GF it feels a little different, but I have trouble putting my finger on it. Since I had been to that depth of emotion before, it felt more intentional this time. It was still a surprise in a lot of ways, but more so in that it was surprising to get there again, not that the emotional place itself was surprising and new. I allowed and willed myself to love hard and open.

I had dinner last night with my former rope top, M. The one I played with where it edged into sadism, her taking what she wanted in a way that I didn't enjoy giving, but in exchange for playing the way I wanted to play after that. I had been ok with that as a transaction between play partners. GF was not, wanted to be the one to push into that sadistic space with me first. M is actually in a similar place with her partner as I am with GF, someone who has lost pretty much all of the passion for kink that they once shared, and now she feels stuck because playing the way she wants to will hurt him, but not playing that way with him (or anyone) is driving her crazy.

I realized then and now that I've been getting really caught up in the idea of possibilities that this break up brings me. Mostly in play, also in dating. A chance to explore, to push myself, to knowingly do things that will probably be mistakes. It's kind of an ideal place. I'm young and new enough that there's a little leeway and generosity if I really screw something up. There's the advantage of being known in the community here in a generally positive sense. And the double edged sword of being temporary - either leaving behind a great community I fit into even in my extreme exploration, or fleeing from a community happy to see the backside of someone in a destructive experimental phase. I like to think I would have some boundaries and limits, even though I also know some of those will come from stepping over them and realizing in hindsight that they were there. I'm ok with that. I can take some self-shame and be just fine.

Once I get past that flush of "all the shiny things!" I know I'm going to crash a bit. I don't let myself think too hard on the positives of the relationship, the things that are prominent when we're together in person. The love and security. Safety in her arms. Laughing together. Waking up next to her. The eager look she gets when she's explaining something she finds interesting. Really hot sex. Because those things make me sad. Make me question my judgement. It would be so much easier to call her and say "I'm so sorry, I really fucked that one up, of course I will not play with others and we can be together and our love will make it ok." It's so, so very tempting to do that. I miss being her trusted someone, the person I share things with, the person who shows me the world through her eyes, the one who I send naughty pictures to, the one who Skypes with me as we make the same breakfast on the weekends. See the draft I have yet to post about playing as a fox kit.

Last night I kind of solidified in my mind that my relationship is over. Now I don't know what to do. I don't think there's anything she could say or do that would make me change my mind, because any sudden changes would make me suspicious of their validity or reliability. I don't think there's anything I could say or do to regain her trust and openness after this hurt, at least not in a realistic time frame. I think we both need to grow in different ways, ways that we can't do together. If we're lucky we might both grow and end up in a place that is compatible with one another. It's unlikely, but I like holding on to that hope right now. I still haven't given up 100% hope on my potential for some kind of relationship with S, which I hate to keep comparing to this situation with GF, but it does feel relevant a lot of the time :p

Will it ever not be awkward between us? I only have 2 ex girlfriends who have lived in the same city I did (or intend to), and both move in very different social circles from the one I generally occupy. We see each other only when we want to, and generally are quite happy to see each other when we do because it typically requires some work and volition on our parts. GF is someone I would, potentially, see all the time. Her friends are my friends, or at least they're people I'd like to count as friends.

Falling asleep. I'll ponder this more later.