no, really, what do you want?

I broke up with my girlfriend today. I think I technically said that I "needed some kind of break" but she clarified that for me - I was asking to break up. Breaking up isn't an asking kind of thing, it's something you do, it's rarely something you agree on in a happy mutual kind of way. This wasn't in the happy mutual kind of way.

She asked me why. I gave her some reasons. Somehow when we're talking all of my brain goes to mush, all the things I've been thinking just leave my head and I can't organize my thoughts to save my life. Writing is better, but more permanent. You can't adapt to a reaction, can't clarify a badly worded sentence. It's out there, as is, not take-backs.

So why? Why do I not want to be in this relationship anymore? This relationship that, at its heart, is so nurturing. Loving. Caring. Tender. Funny. Passionate. Growing. I've learned so much from it, from her. Fallen in love with the desert. Know more about GIS than I ever thought I would. Opened up to a whole new world in kink and poly as activities and communities.

When we were together, there was still some conflict but it was better. We went to poly events but pretty quickly I stopped feeling the freedom to flirt or feel any potential develop. That first event that I went to I did feel that freedom still. When I told her a few weeks later that I had a crush it clearly made her uncomfortable, but she rolled with it, teased me about it, tried to be supportive, was relieved when I decided to not go for it. When I wanted to pursue a former flirtation (someone my GF knew was a former person in my life) she was uncomfortable and set limits, but made herself mostly ok with it until I was moderately affectionate with said person in public in front of her. We kept going to poly events on occasion, but as a couple, not open to others, and it did start to feel like a bit of a farce.

But life was busy and I already was juggling with a partner and a make out buddy, so not having the time to pursue 5 other cute women was kind of ok, it kept me cognizant of what I actually had to offer instead of just blindly pursuing people for the thrill of being wanted. So no big, right?

Play was similar. We got into it together, and as she had a few more trips to the club under her belt, she was often the leader in our explorations. Then I had my first play experience with someone else, a visiting rigger. That demo scene is the emotional place I've been searching to get back to ever since. I know my GF too well, know her insecurities and flaws. I was just naive enough to be totally unaware of the safety of what I was doing with this guy, could focus all my attention on the feeling of what was happening, on just attending to the experience itself. Being open to another person, feeling that connection in that moment. Trusting.

That was a turning point for her, too. Play with others was now something to be feared, to be compared to and found wanting. So rules. Limits. Only do this with that person, tell me what you're planning, save the rest for just us to explore. And that was ok when I was in town and we were playing together. Sure, sometimes it wasn't terribly often, but generally it was at least somewhat regularly.

Then I moved. And I wanted more. And I tried to play in the bounds, and every time seemed to cross a line. Tiptoeing, it because better to just not play, to spend months in negotiations and never actually do anything because then at least it was safe.

I got tired of things being safe. Or maybe tired of feeling constrained. I should have said it earlier, by this point even an agreement that is a big stretch for her doesn't even feel remotely adequate to me. No sadism and no power exchange pretty much takes a good deal of the fun out of it for me - even if my scenes don't go to those places, I don't want to stop them from doing so if they do.

I don't want to admit that I'm not patient enough to wait for her to be ok with all of this. The supreme irony is that my ex broke up with me because I couldn't stand being non-monogamous (yet), and then I discovered a deep desire to be poly, and then broke up with my new girlfriend because she can't stand being poly (yet). I had such good intentions with my ex, how I would move to the city where she lived and then we would open up our relationship. My GF has such good intentions, that I would move back to the city where she lives and then we would better explore poly. Irony, I think even used correctly.

tl;dr. - I want a partner who I know cares, but who is also independent of me. I'm willing to trade a little heartache and loss of feeling like someone's special "primary" in order to be able to celebrate their happiness with others, and feel them celebrate my happiness with my other partners. Someone who sees my desire to play with other people as a positive because it makes me happy, particularly when she's not there to play with me. I don't think Natalie is ever going to be ok with that, at least not where things are now. And I don't think I'm a good enough person to wait for her, not the amount of time it is going to take her to become ok with it, particularly knowing that there are some things she's pretty much said she'll never be ok with (experimentation with dudes, emotional play with others). I love her and I wish it was with her. But we're both reaching too far for this one, and both hurting each other in a way that really won't ever stop.

not again

I’m scared that I just don’t care. That I’ve stopped myself from caring. That I’m walling off, brick by brick, every time this happens. She pulls back, and I continue to reach out. I try to understand, I back off or apologize for things I thought were over, feelings I believed resolved. We get back to equilibrium, honeymoon, and it's beautiful. So much love, so much caring, so much desire, so much potential. Then I do something, she pulls back. I try and open to reach out, but it’s a little less emotional, a little more rational, a little more action than feeling. Each time it becomes a little more perfunctory, performance. Reassuring her that I’m still here through simple repetition, training her to trust me. But I’m scared that each time this happens, I’m going to keep being a little less open, closing off. I'm scared that once I’ve finally earned her trust in me being here through the hard times, I won’t have any trust left.