We had a snow day today. I see pictures on Facebook of the snow on the East coast, yet another blizzard adding to multiple feet of snow. Here in Nashville we had maybe an inch? Granted, the precipitation is more ice than anything - every tree branch and car door is encased, and the roads and sidewalks are nothing short of treacherous.
GF asked me for intention today. She's reaching out, doing the work, searching within herself, asking me to respond. An answering glow in the dark. I didn't have much to offer, not the way that she deserved. I told her that I'm scared, that I miss her. That she's the person I would usually go to talk about my emotions surrounding life, but now that feels weird since the emotions that I need to hash out are my emotions toward her, toward us. And yet, she's ok with that. I just don't understand why this relationship means so much, that we are both willing to subsume such big parts of ourselves to be in it. Or rather, at this point, why she's willing; since I've now shown myself to be less willing.
I'm scared that I'm making a mistake. So much of my heart is convinced that this relationship is over, that I'm just waiting until I go home to tell her that. But then I start read. ing More Than Two, this great book that has given words to my emotions, and suddenly I start feeling fear and doubt. I do want the trust and the freedom to explore the wondrous adventures that life has to offer me at the age of 26. I want to have play partners like M, and cuddle partners like H (a school friend), and make out buddies, and maybe even other relationships. But I also want that security, that trust, that person to come home to. And I'm starting to worry that it takes a certain amount of emotional distance to allow myself those explorations. Would I be happy in that kind of relationship?
A friend of mine here in Nashville is married, in a poly marriage. She has a boyfriend/play partner, who I'm also friends with, and other guys that she's interested in, whom her boyfriend and husband encourage her in pursuing. Her husband has a girlfriend, and presumably play partners. I look at that relationship and my first reaction is sadness, maybe pity? I don't understand how they can be legally married, raising children together, and yet still actively pursing other love and play interests. It makes me feel like their marriage is for convenience, security, a sham. And yet I think that I wouldn't be unhappy in such a place, despite it's unconventionality. I want someone to come home to, someone to trust to such a deep depth that I know that, no matter what, she is coming home to me in the end, as I am coming home to her. And wouldn't it be lovely if we were still independent? If life circumstances could take us to different cities, different countries, and we could value and pursue other relationships to various degrees of intimacy, and yet still trust one another, trust the love and dedication that is there?
Maybe I will end up with S after all. That's a growing fantasy, that we will realize that she can still have children with someone else, live with someone else, and I can do the same (minus the children), but we can both love one another for who we are. At a distance, occasionally together. In sporadic contact. But still united in heart. Like I feel sometimes with my ex, my Poet. Such an age gap, such different life experiences, yet she's able to express such joy and support at whatever love I claim. I will always love her, always miss being her Muse, even as she still claims me as such we both know that things have shifted, as they do, now that we are not longer lovers. Maybe we could rekindle that?
I don't understand why it's not ok to love as I wish, to be physically and/or emotionally intimate without jealousy or insecurity. Would I lose part of my self if I were to give up being jealous?
We have another snow day tomorrow, thank goodness.
No comments:
Post a Comment