- When I was in PC, I remember having this sudden awakening to the feeling of being in my own skin. The wind across my arms and shoulders was suddenly sensual, embracing, invigorating. I kept being surprised that it kept happening, over and over, just being overtaken by the delight in being in my body in that moment, in nature.
- Similarly, I remember not listening to music for an extended period of time, at least a few months. One day I picked up my ipod and listened to it while I did laundry, and found myself actually getting too distracted to move my hands. I stood there above a basin of soapy water, suds dripping off my hands, and felt the emotions of the song so strongly. It reminded me of being in high school, when I would listen to the radio or my CD player (old school, I know). Music felt like it could speak my heart, could move my emotions from one extreme to the other, until I got older and it just became background noise.
- I'm trying to remember the last time I felt desired, in a way that I didn't feel defensive or guilty about. Maybe a year ago, falling for GF? Almost 2 years ago, flirting my way through the Tucson queer scene, feeling so treasured and loved by several lovers/friends/crushes.
- Lust. I was reading an article on ScarletTeen just now (after following a link from Savage Love) about sexual pleasure. That moment when you see someone and you can actually feel the blood redirect down to your cunt. A casual touch of their hand on your shoulder or thigh makes you squirm inside even as you try to subtly lean in to maintain that tiny point of contact. Both of you leaning in towards that first kiss - hesitant and waiting for one person to close the gap, heartbeat and breathing blocking out any other noises, attention focused to a pinpoint. Every piece of clothing that comes off is almost enough to get you off, no other stimulation needed. When was the last time I felt "can't keep my hands off of you" lust? A year ago? Maybe 6 months? (I miss this feeling so deeply right now, yet I think it might be good for me to miss it for a while longer. I haven't had sex in 2 months. Maybe it could be ok to go without it for a while, not just because I'm long distance monogamous, but because I'm saying yes to letting my mind and body take a break from sexuality with other people).
- And where does lust give way to the feeling of being in love? Is love ever uncomplicated? I still certainly feel a lot of love and caring from and towards people in my life. But that's different from being in love. Which is different than falling in love. I felt secure in love with S, despite moments of insecurity, I believed we would always find a way.
- Roping with B. The first heavy flogging I did with Natalie, when it was just awe inspiring to both of us that we'd gone so much farther than we expected. Those are both kink examples, but that space is so exemplifying of feeling totally open to another person. Body Electric, over and over. Even if the moment ends and feelings become complicated or guarded again, for that second or minute or hour or day, hearts and bodies and spirits are wide awake and giving to one another. I remember asking S a question about what she wanted from sex (since that's what our relationship was going to be, duh :p). She told me that the most important thing for her was for both of us to be fully present - not just physically, but emotionally. Spiritually. To hold that space together and for one another. Mind expanding orgasms in the Saharan heat as the electricity cuts out and the situational anxiety gets pushed away for one never-ending moment
- Along with being open and present with another person, being open and present to myself. Have I ever truly just accepted who I am? I think I've gotten close, sometimes. I was proud of myself when I had lost weight and was working towards academic goals and was making friends. But was I being present with myself? Body Electric, or intensive journal writing in PC or to S might have been as "with myself" as I've ever been. How can I recapture that? This blog is a decent start, although it's funny that I only write here when I'm stressed/single-ish.
- I don't remember the last time I felt able to eat something for the pleasure of eating it, without guilt, or thinking about portion size, or trying to figure out the calorie count, or trying to "burn it off", or even guilt over where it's from, how it was produced, whether the labor was fairly paid or the animal was humanely raised and killed. When food was uncomplicated.
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