Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I used to be split on how I felt about it - being in love on V-day is a great excuse to get all sappy romantic, but being single always felt like I had to just shrug my shoulders and pretend I didn't like it or didn't care about it. Now I actually rather like the holiday - any day that's dedicated to reminding us about the love we have in our lives (even if that's love lost) is a pretty awesome thing.
That's a side note. The feeling - yesterday I had a really great day. I stressed over homework and didn't get to the gym, I ate terribly and didn't get some chores done, but I also had a fantastic afternoon and evening, and made some choices that made me really happy. GF wanted to include me in her V-day adventures, had sent me a lovely email reminiscing about what we did last year to celebrate the day. I was hesitant to encourage this sudden rush of "bonding" but I said ok. It was indeed nice, and I miss her and the feeling we had when we're together. Now she's asking me about my day yesterday. I did a lot of things that made me happy, that I know will make her very sad to hear about. I feel like there's a war inside of me, torn between wanting to be truthful about what was a great day, and the awareness that it's not what she expected, and thus not what would make her comfortable to hear.
What is that feeling? Guilt? Bittersweet? Paternalism? Regret? Heartbreak? Selfishness?
The fun:
I went to the bi-monthly rope class at the club in the afternoon. I learned a few new ways to tie a futo, and got to try it on myself, on a friend of mine, and got tied by both M (the instructor, who was the tipping point for a lot of the conflict GF and I have had) and another guy who I've seen around/talked to a few times. M helped me by suspending me from the last futo I did on myself :) I was hesitant to ask, yesterday was the first time she's put rope on me since the emotion explosion in November, but after having dinner with her two weeks ago and generally finding ourselves to be on similar pages, it felt like something I was ok with and actively interested in exploring. I don't know if I have a total level of trust in her or in our emotional connection, but I do think that we both have the ability to feed each others' desires in a lot of ways, and maybe that's enough right now.
So there was rope! And then there was dinner with this adorable couple I've become closer with, talking about home made kink toys and dating profiles, age differences and relationship spreadsheets. They would both like me to be more active in topping her, which makes me uncomfortable right now, but they're pretty chill when I kick the can down the road, and I loved watching them scene (and generally be all cute and cuddly) last night. Seeing their approach to poly and playing together and with others has been such an inspiration - it is possible! Her husband and his girlfriend were supposed to make an appearance last night as well, I don't think they did, but just the possibility kind of blew my mind. I hate to think of marriage as a transaction in which they raise children in a stable and socially acceptable framework, but honestly it seems to make them pretty happy to be partnered with someone that they love, but aren't necessarily holding up to the standard of being the passionate primary person from whom I derive happiness. They both date and play extensively outside of the marriage, and it actually seems comfortable (at least from knowing her and her boyfriend, who is actively seeking other relationships with her encouragement). Mind blowing.
The evening back at the club was just right for V-day. Chill, not very crowded, and I actually knew a good number of the people there. I talked with a couple that was brand new, this was their first kink anything! It made me happy to welcome them and see how happy she was in exploring this crazy thing she had wanted for so long, and her husband for supporting it, even tentatively. There was always a few scenes going all night, and everyone kind of ended up in the back of the space so it felt companionable but not overly crowded or too sparse.
M is going through a similar thing in her relationship as I am. Her partner doesn't want to stop her from playing, but he just isn't interested in kink anymore, which is a big departure from their start as a 24/7 D/s couple. She enjoys topping and has a strong sadistic leaning, but her happiness is in submission to someone she feels is even stronger than she is. So we had a decent bit to talk about. I was hesitant to play out of fear that we would fall back into the same place we were and I would just force myself into accepting it. But she asked if I was interested and what I was feeling, and I answered honestly that something playful and a little strenuous, maybe with some impact, would be good for me that night. She had the idea for a double inversion - putting me up, then self-suspending beside me on a second ring, and playing around with tying us together. Done! It made me so happy to say yes to something we were both enthusiastic about.
The experience itself was fantastic. It was very cold last night and the space just couldn't stay warm, but I didn't really have any clothing conducive to being tied so I was (per usual) in my underwear, and borrowed a pair of M's knee high striped socks, the complement to the ones she wore. It felt so good to be wrapped in rope, playful and slightly erotic. The cold actually worked in my favor, I couldn't feel my skin pinching when she was tying my hip harness even though I knew it was happening. And then I was upside down! It was easy and yet hard, painful in different ways as the night went on, with all of my weight held essentially by the fat and muscle of my upper thigh. When she was finally up and next to me, it was so playful! We hugged, almost kissed, nuzzled, pushed each other around. She smacked me a bit, grabbed my hair, pinched and pulled my nipples. Once she let herself down and then gently lowered me (still tied) onto my back on the cold cement, we kept playing a little - partial lifts with the harnesses, yanking on them across sensitive skin, breast and thigh slaps, having her sit on me and pinch and bite, using the rings to hold herself up and step on me with her stilettos (scary! not sure how I feel about that one - fun, but high risk for accident). I cuddled up around her on the ground, and the whole thing was just lovely. I still wish it was more than it was, emotionally, but for what it is, it's pretty fantastic - we have a good chemistry together. When I got upright I discovered that the entire room was staring at us :p
So it was a great night! And I didn't know what to tell GF. She's asked about it. I told her a little, not at all about the rope scene, and when she asked to know more about the emotion changes I thanked her for opening that as a possibility, but I know it hurt when I said I didn't want to tell her. At this point I know we're breaking up. I'd like to tell her in person. But that's still 2 weeks away, and in the meantime I'm pushing her away emotionally, which doesn't feel fair.
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