Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 28 years old. I was born on a Thursday, premature. Back in the day when they reported estimated gestation as a range of weeks, instead of as a week and a day. I was born at 29-30 weeks. I spent the first month of my life in the NICU in an incubator. It sounds like a rough start, but I was the lucky one. Some of the preemies born that day who shared the NICU with me didn't get to grow up.
This past year has been...well, a hell of a year. More struggle than I knew I could survive. More joy than I knew I could experience.
- I was trying to make sense of my breakup with Natalie.
- Started getting close to three amazing people in Memphis.
- Was the experimental second partner for a friend seeing if her relationship could handle being poly. (It could not, and I will not be putting myself in that situation again unless I'm very invested in the relationship I'm building with that person. Romantic favors are not the way to take care of people you love but don't love like that).
- Experienced overwhelming anxiety and panic.
- Admitted that I have an eating disorder and reached out for help.
- Survived nurse boot camp and loved working as a floor nurse.
- Moved back to Tucson.
- Finished my pre-specialty year and passed the NCLEX.
- Faced my fears of Natalie's emotions, over and over.
- Tried to end my relationship with the person in Memphis.
- For the first time in my life, had to be very honest with myself and someone else, and had someone else be very honest with herself and with me. It was a hard struggle for a while.
- Started a whirlwind relationship that went from "hello" to planning when we would get married within a few months
- Contracted herpes, surprised by how self-judgemental I was of something I had studied as a student but never thought I could get
- Regained a sense of closeness with my former lover in Memphis. Became confidantes and eating disorder/therapy support for each other. An unbelievably strong tree growing from the ashes of brutal pain
- Ended whirlwind relationship as I came back to my sanity and realized that said relationship was incredibly unhealthy for both of us
- Felt like I was part of a beautiful nebula family that could grow and change with each of us
- Still struggled with food, and anxiety, and depression, and low sex drive.
- Experienced moments of such pure joy and delight - I never knew life could be like this
- Admitted to myself that I'm poly. I need people in my life who celebrate and encourage me to pursue things that make me happy, and who are genuinely happy for that, and who expect the same from me.
- Started clinical hours. I adore my primary care role, and my awesome teacher/mentor
- Began to process my shame around herpes, re-started a sexual relationship with my Memphis partner
- Became comfortable thinking of her as my partner. It feels like she kind of sneaked in under the radar, but it's true - in all senses of the word she is my partner. The person who I expect to have as an important person in my life forever. The person who I want to share my joys with, and who will help me get up after being knocked down.
I've never been one to celebrate my birthday since I was a kid. The party with the little gift baggies and the games, the cake my mother would make shaped like a rabbit head. Sleepovers with a pile of giggling girls in sleeping bags in the living room. In high school my friends would organize something for me since they knew I wouldn't. My first year in Tucson I brought a cake to La Cocina. I was sleeping with Mariel. Was I still sleeping with Sami? Natalie came even though we didn't know each other well. I flirted with Diane. The next year I hosted my party at Natalie's house and baked my own cake. Things were a little rocky with Mariel still, but she did stop by to say hello early. Last year I was in Nashville. I honestly don't remember what I did for my birthday. I know I binged on the brownies that a friend baked for me that morning. Probably binged and purged. Tomorrow I will go to work and see patients, then go have dinner with my parents. I feel a little melancholy about this, but I'm ok with it. This weekend I can spend some time with friends. Maybe convince someone to go to a movie or on a hike. Get out in nature and remind myself why life is joyful, even when I'm not safely wrapped in the arms of my partner, planning our next scene at the club, cooking food, and snuggling the cat.
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