Tuesday, May 19, 2015

a fwb is going though a breakup and it hits too close to home



The landscape of a breakup

Looks a lot like grief. Mourning.

It is. It’s a loss, an absence. A crater where there once was a blooming fucking tree.

And you still love the other person. And maybe they still love you too. At any rate, most of them are decent sorts, they don’t want to see you hurting. It kills them to see that devastation in your eyes, in your heart, in every exhausted line of your body as you struggle to get through the day while wrapping your mind around the end of everything.

You’re losing a vision. The future you built in your head. The house and the career and the 2.5 children born with a midwife at home in your bathtub. The trips to share the places where you grew up, the experiences that made you who you are. You want to share everything with them, want them to see every nook and cranny of your soul.

You tell yourself that even some conflict is good. That it’s really not that big of an issue, that it just shows that you both have good communication that you’re able and willing to find a middle ground. You’ve both been here before (we’ve all been here before). Those fundamental conflicts. Identities. Absolute needs, or must have’s, or absolutely not’s. In that first flush of love, that beautiful endorphin waterfall, suddenly those are things that you can see another point of view.

Maybe I could have children if I were going to raise them with her. Maybe it’s ok that you’re telling me you’re interested in an open relationship, we’ll just take it one step at a time. Maybe my life will settle down and I’ll travel less once I finish school, or get a better job, and we can finally live together and move forward.

At some point you don’t realize that your happiness is slipping away. You cling to each other in the storm, washing up exhausted on desolate shores, telling each other that it’s just stress, the job, the housing market, the internship. Soon it will be over. We’re here for each other. I just need to focus on getting through this thing, he understands. She has her own battles to focus on right now, but we’re there for each other. We love each other.

Someone reaches a breaking point. As much as the relationship hurts her, she doesn’t want to hurt you. He justifies the break up by pointing out how unfair it is to both of you. The damage you’re both suffering. As much as he needs to get out, he needs you to agree. Her self-image can’t take being the bad guy.

And you are devastated. You feared it was coming, you knew it was bad, but how was it this bad? When did you stop seeing the reality that you were living in? But you know that she’s right. And you even have a tiny sense of relief in the sea of hurt. The struggle is over. You don’t have to pretend that things are ok anymore. You can focus on finding a new partner, one who doesn’t think farts are valid joke material, or one who is doesn’t loath the scary movies you adore. Every partner you’ve had has been better than the last – why should this time be any different? You are a brave independent modern feminist woman – you don’t need a partner to find happiness and fulfillment! Set forth on your brave new adventure to conquer the breakup emotions!

But. Trickles of doubt creep in. Fear, of change, of the unknown. How will you live without this person who is full of so many incredible qualities that surely cannot possibly coexist in another human being? How is it possible for your heart to be ripped out of your chest and inverted onto the table as you struggle to comprehend the meaning of that loss? You will never travel with him to see the places that you both dreamed of going. You will not debate cloth vs disposable diapers. You will never wake up to her smile, or fall asleep in her arms. The pain is overwhelming, a fire that is destroying every fiber of your being.

Anything to make the pain stop. Anything.

Compromise. Grasping. Gasping. There’s more to be done. We didn’t try hard enough. Now we’ve both seen how terrible it is to not be together. Now we’re both motivated to make it work. If we just had better communication. If I could just see her point of view. If we wait to make a final decision until I move out, or you move in, or the campaign season is over, or we live in the same city. We could start again, start slowly, get to know each other again. Rebuild the future we envisioned, brick by brick.

Things will be better, this time.

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