who am i?

"It just hurts. It's like you're becoming someone new, someone I don't know. I don't know this part of you, like I'm being left behind somehow. It's not your fault, I'm glad you're doing things that make you happy. It's just hard that I can't see them."
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I've been feeling pent up and stressed and never quite on top of any of the "really important things that need to be dealt with asap" in my life the past week or two. I also hadn't been to the club or played in 2 weeks, since last weekend I decided to nurture classmate relationships instead of kinky ones. So this week I ripped myself away from my study guide (test on Monday, worst class, *stress*) and went to rope class. It was a nice long break from my study madness, and knowing it was happening had forced me to be pretty productive during the previous two days. I hugged some friends, got tied in a corset tie, tied someone else in a corset tie (and got to poke her cleavage bruises!). Settling back into this other part of myself that hides under the surface most of the time.

I went home to finish said study guide (20 pages - ack!), then showered and got ready for the night. I texted my gf, living 1.5 time zones and 24 hours of driving away, to tell her I was thinking of her and wishing she was here to play gender with me. It was a nice moment of connection, and even though I was more in the mood for cuddles than beatings, I left in a happy frame for the club with plans to get tied in what promised to be painful, strenuous ways.

My rope top didn't fail to deliver. We've tied a good number of times together - besides GF, she's easily the person I've played with the most in my 11 months in the public kink scene. Despite that it still feels like we're learning a lot every time we play. This time we pushed things a bit further. It was a slow night so we actually had people pull up chairs to watch us - something I love but still find odd about this particular club, I kept my eyes down most of the night because it felt weird to watch them watching me. It makes me self conscious - the way my stomach softly droops unevenly when I'm suspended face down, the way rope cuts into the flesh on my arms and thighs. But I'm able to tune it out most of the time, which feels like a gift, because I'm so focused on the ohmygodthatHURTS! or the wowI'mspinningwheeeee!

I've found this a little before, but last night really emphasized a little more what we each get out of it. Sometimes I feel guilty as a rope bottom, that my rigger goes to a large amount of work to tie me safely and put me in the air when all I have to do is enjoy it and deal with the discomfort of that one line being slightly tighter than all the others. Last night there was a clearer pattern of "this is tying for rigger satisfaction, and then you'll be rewarded with something for rope model satisfaction." It started in a way that was decidedly unplesant for me. Not terrible, not unbearable, just clearly not something I enjoyed or would have ever requested. I was artially suspended, sitting on a textured rubber surface from a TK and a coconut rope ladder binding my calves, most of my weight was on my tailbone and I was being scrapped along the ground every time she spun or shifted me. The painful calf rope and the TK being tied to the ring from behind me made it impossible to use core strength to lift myself away from the ground, so I just got dragged and left a decent bit of skin behind.

Once she got bored with that, she undid the suspension from my calves and hauled me up to standing, legs still tied together, and suspended me face down. I was mostly upright (chest tied much higher than my legs), so most of my weight was on the coconut rope just below my knees, two strands of painful fibers tied loosely enough that shifting rubbed it across my skin instead of moving with me. Lifting my legs in her arms gave me a bit of relief, until she dropped me back into the rope several times. This was more fun for me, a relief in the pain, the ability to mentally twist it into an endurance exercise, a rush of pain-fueled adrenaline.

She undid my calves and tied one leg in a futo, then tied that up to the ring so I could lift the other leg and crunch into a little twisted ball and spin around. This part was all fun for me! I giggled and we played with a few variations, tying my other ankle up in various ways. I'm still a little embarrassed and a lot turned on by those moments of exposure, by having one leg up and being unable to cover myself besides by trying to pull my other leg towards the bound one.

At some point my shoulder started to pop out of place slightly and was causing worrying sensations, so we untied and got me standing. I still had full motor control and sensation, it just felt decidedly weird and almost diluted - like it was tinged numb, or belonged to someone else. I wasn't too worried, but did know that my arms needed to come out of the TK without further weight being put on them.

As soon as my feet were under me, I started to feel faint. I tried to fight it, breathing and bending my knees, trying to encourage blood to return to my head, but it wasn't helping. I warned my rigger that fainting was a good possibility and to just be aware that I might need that remaining tether from my chest harness to the ring. She got me on the ground in a matter of seconds, and I bent forward over my knees and waited for it to subside. By the time she had me out of the TK I could hear again and was awash in euphoria - wow! My body can do so much! Vasodilation and orthostatic hypotension are kind of cool in a crazy nerdy way.

A little food, rest, stretching, and time brought my arm back to normal. I'm going to baby it a little today, then work on getting it stronger. I'm a little lopsided from rowing crew for 4 years, only port side, so my left shoulder is actually a little higher than my right, and is the one that tends to give me issues. It might be that we need to find a different harness for suspending me, or that if my legs are in the air to one side it needs to be to the left so that most of the unbalanced weight is on my right shoulder instead. Admittedly if one arm is going to have a problem I'd prefer it to be my left!

I ended the evening cuddling with a friend and her friend who is new to the scene. It was exactly what I wanted and needed after all - a little pain and challenge, some comfort and connection and feeling desired and intellectually appreciated. I left feeling like the luckiest person, wishing I was going home to my GF for cuddles to tell her about my amazing night. I texted her to tell her about it but she was asleep, so I happily settled into bed and slept soundly.

Waking up this morning was hard! GF called, and we had a really good conversation about our evenings, up until it suddenly wasn't good anymore. This happens sometimes, and I still can't quite figure out what to do. It breaks my heart to feel like I'm hurting her, that she's ok with the things I do with other people in theory, but wants to hear about them and then is hurt when she hears about them (except sometimes she's not hurt, and it feels so random as to when something is going to go over well and when it isn't). She was asking questions about pain - what it felt like, how I deal with it, what I want from it. She said she wants to see what I do with my rope top, so that she can have a picture to go with the description. I don't quite get it, but maybe part of me does. She only has what I say to go off of. In my mind, what I'm saying paints a clear picture, but in all likelihood it doesn't, and maybe she doesn't like what she's imagining. But she knows I sound happy and ok, and the disconnect is troubling, so she wants to see it for herself.

I told her that I think it might be hard for her to see the times when I'm in pain, when I'm genuinely not enjoying myself, but that it's worth it for the times when I am because then in retrospect the unpleasant parts serve a purpose of giving both the top and bottom something that makes them happy, which makes us both happy. There is no ability to see in the light without the contrast of shadow. I find it hard to see people I love in pain, but maybe it would be different in this context?

I'm scared that my desire to play is pushing a wedge between us. As a cis femme bottom, I find kink partners more easily than she does as a more queer soft butch top who is a little emotionally guarded. She doesn't feel comfortable in the scene in our hometown, mostly because right now she has no one to play with (and thus is unmotivated to go, and might miss any opportunity to meet new potential play partners, etc). I feel very comfortable in the scene here in my adopted town, and I'm willing and able to go even when I have no play plans, and often end up playing anyway or just socializing and self-tying pretty designs on my legs. She's in a spiral of anxiety and stress, and hearing about me making friends and growing in the kink scene that we both discovered together is hard. I know I'm jealous when I hear about her meeting up with people I want to get to know better, or going to events that I wish I could be at - it feels like she's nurturing social connections with people who I want to be friends with, but don't have the time or energy to pursue when I'm so far away and trying to make friends here.

I have this vision of what I want my future life to look like. How I want my primary partnership to look and feel. I'm scared to put it into words. I can see it happening with her, I really can! But part of me is afraid it might be wishful thinking, that instead of her anxiety easing with time and repetition, it will just become magnified. I don't feel like I'm turning into someone else, that anything I'm doing is out of line with who I am. But it feels that way to her. I don't know what to do with that. I'm hoping that seeing each other in 2 weeks will help us figure it out a little more. 3 months of distance down, 9 more months to go.