I worry that sometimes we get so caught up in this idea of “healthy”
relationship that we (I) forget to tell you how much I really do love you, how
much I depend on you, how much your happiness means to me. We talk about ways
to not be jealous, about boundaries, about how we know that the other person it
not our sun and moon, our reason for living, our one and only. How weird it is
in songs when lines pop up about being the only one I’ll ever love, or my only
sunshine, or a myriad of other ways of saying that this one romantic
relationship is the only thing that brings me meaning and happiness and drive
to keep living. We giggle at Tim Minchin and think before we use those common
phrases of endearment, careful to stay away from things that edge into dangerous
territory.
But even in their full-cliché moments, some of those
sentiments are true. We dance around it and that’s ok, I don’t know if I’m
ready to make that kind of commitment either, but I hope it’s pretty clear that
I am planning on spending my life with you (if you’ll have me). I know right
now you’re in the depths of some pretty deep anxiety and stress and self-doubt
(more than I think you’re letting on to me), and that I’m not there for you,
not in the way I want to be, in the way I think you need me to be. I know that’s
just the reality, and that I don’t always handle negative emotions very well,
but I promise that I still want to know, still want to find ways to support you
and show my love. Sometimes I’m a little dense and need you to ask for what you
need, and I’m really grateful when you do! Sometimes it seems like the stress
and anxiety and distance are making it hard to believe that I genuinely love
you for the person you are. Please know - I’m not with you out of some kind of
settling for the first queer lady I stumbled across post-(ex girlfriend)
breakup. I’m not with you because I think you’ll keep the bed warm while I go
out and fuck every other queer in town.
I’m with you because you make me smile. Because I see
something beautiful or funny or delightful or amazing and I want to turn and
show it to you. Because you nurture the best parts of me – the responsibility
to examine what I believe and act accordingly, the childlike delight and wonder
at the beauty of bats flying, the drive to keep learning and growing and
pushing into parts of myself that maybe make me embarrassed or uncomfortable. Because
you hold me so tenderly. Because you ask me what I want, and we try our best to
tell each other what we both need. Because you’re willing to communicate, and
to tell me when you don’t know. Because we’re learning to respect each other’s
boundaries. Because even far apart, I can still feel you holding me at night.
Because you delight in my smile. Because I want to see your smile, even when I’m
not the cause of it. Because I want to spend sunny days hiking next to you
exploring atheism, starry evenings making delicious meals to share with you
while we talk about our day and how to change the world, lazy afternoons
reading with my legs thrown over yours, joyful weekends hosting friends in the
space we’ve nurtured together.
Seeing you happy makes my day feel radiant. Knowing that you
love me and celebrate my delights feels like I’m carrying the sun in my chest.
Trusting in that love…it feels scary. I didn’t think I would trust love again.
It’s still fragile sometimes, and I think we both suffer because of it. When
one of us is waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the other person to stop
putting up with us and cut their losses and leave.
I worry that this isn’t the right thing for you. That I’m pushing
you into a relationship and a model that doesn’t fit because I so badly want it
to fit, because then it means that I get to be with you (and I so deeply do
want to be with you). That’s all a conversation for many other days, our
ongoing learning about kink and poly and what it means to us and our
relationship. What we value in our connection together. What we do in times of
stress. How we read each other and what needs to be said or unsaid. How we can
keep growing even when physically apart instead of being in stasis, just
waiting out the clock. Because I want to grow with you. I want to keep learning
with you. I want to keep showing myself to you as I discover more pieces to it,
and I want you to ask questions and point out things that don’t fit. Because it’s
so easy for me to build up this image of you in my mind, the person I want you
to be, the person you want me to be. And I can always find supporting evidence
for that vision while ignoring things that don’t fit until the incongruence
becomes too great.
I’m listening to this song – Pray Tell, by Anberlin. I love
it for all of the inexplicable reasons that someone becomes enamored with a
song, certainly not for the lyrics, which are all of those things we talk about
as problems. But there’s a few lines I love:
Hide away, why do you hide away from me?
Hide yourself, let me find you
Find yourself, let me find you
Help me find myself. Help me find you. Maybe we’ll discover
that this will never work. Maybe we’ll discover something even more beautiful.
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