play partners

So last night I went to a play party at our local kink dungeon. I first visited the space at the beginning of the month, attending a rope class with my girlfriend (for now, identified as GF) when she came out here to help me move in. We had a great time, and clearly left an impression - the next event I went to was the 35 and under munch and party, and I was remembered by several people who asked after GF. At that party I didn't play, but I did practice some self-ties and chat with a few really cool people. I attended a second rope class last week and got to demo bunny for the instructor, as well as practice on a few folks.

After the last rope class, I was contacted by someone else who had gone to the class, a male dom in his 40s (I'll call him RG - rope guy). Guard way up pretty immediately, but he was friendly, respectful, and decidedly approachable. We messaged a few times and when I asked which party I should attend this weekend, RG said that he would recommend the Saturday one since he was going to be there. Cheeky but not out of bounds at all, so I showed up after a very long skype call with GF, talking about what I expected to happen and how she would feel about it.

The evening was a lot of fun, and I found myself really enjoying RG's company. I'm realizing that the kind of play that I'm interested in (basically, actually bottoming instead of just being a body for other relative newcomers to practice on) is possibly limiting my interactions to playing with older men. In this particular case, I felt very respected by him - he didn't try to talk over me, listened and responded thoughtfully to what I was saying (even when it was somewhat unrelated to the topic at hand), and was able to carry the conversation with enthusiastic stories while also interspersing them with genuine questions. He did ask if I was a toppy or bottomy kind of person, but otherwise let my words and reactions explain the kinds of things I'm interested in from either side of the slash. My only hesitation is that we did have a lot of our talking (we talked for about 2 hours solid) focus around the shift that has been happening from the more protocol-centered public D/s to this younger, more sensation-driven experimental kink. He didn't seem entirely upset at the switch, but wasn't 100% behind the change either, which does indicate that he could be looking for something more along the lines of power Dominant/submissive dynamic instead of just a play Top/bottom dynamic.

Talking with RG and with GF has made me reflect a lot on what I want out of kink right now. I still have a buried part of me that deeply wants to experience being dominated, allowing myself to be broken down emotionally/physically/mentally/verbally, to surrender to what someone else desires even if it edges on things that I don't actually want or like. A big part of me is afraid that if I go there, I'll enjoy it too much, that the more sensation driven play that I enjoy now will become less exciting in comparison to the addition of the power dynamic. I'm avoiding doing any kind of serious rope play for that reason too - it feels too easy to let myself get lost in the sensation and the dynamic.

So what feels safe? What, realistically, do I want? Since GF is several states away and generally inaccessible, right now I'm focusing on play partners. Someone to tie. Someone to help me develop as an impact top. Someone to experiment with. Someone who will, as GF put it, help me with "assisted meditation" like the feeling of being rhythmically flogged for a long time. I'd like to find someone to have playful intense impact scenes with. If I'm honest I'd like to find someone to kindly and cathartically beat the crap out of me, as a way to blow off some of the stress I'm accumulating in class, but admittedly that would be pushing GF's buttons pretty hard right now. I know she'd be able to rationalize it and try to not feel hurt, but based on past situations, I feel like it would be particularly hard for her to hear about that, especially not being here and knowing that it was happening at the hands of a man. A woman would be so much easier for her to handle - quirky, but true.

I spent a good part of the night talking with someone else I recognized from the rope classes. I asked her for the scoop on the folks in the room, RG in particular. She's been in the scene here for about a year, and echoed that he's one of the "old guard" who is well known and commands an earned respect by other people in the community. In other words - not a creeper. For me that was very reassuring - I still intend to talk to him and get to know him fully clothed, but with an eye towards assessing if we're both interested in playing with each other and finding out what kinds of limits that would have.