denial and dates

I went to Arizona to break up with my girlfriend. I mean, I told myself that I was open to reconciliation but the reality is that it was a very small possibility in my mind.

We talked. There was hope, if not for continuation at least for a good ending. Laughter. Tears. I abandoned my plan to just state facts and stay strong and consistent. I admitted fear, confusion, uncertainty in this decision. She seemed to understand, spoke truths but relatively kindly.

We talked some more. Cuddled. Cried. Accusations. Hurt, so much hurt. Anger. Anger? Self-valuation and worth is one thing, but does it have to come with feeling victimized? Perhaps. Carelessness, on my part, unwillingness to do things I could have. "You always have people who want to bring you things, it's true." Leaving with hurt, tears, so much pain.

An unexpected invitation to talk again the next night. Hesitation - seems like a poor choice after the night before? Hope still springing eternal - maybe we can make it different, have that good ending, as amiable as possible, like adults. But quickly it repeats, accusations, hurt. Accepting blame, accepting anger, trying to show the pain so that she believes me when I say that this is genuinely hard for me too. Why do I not love her as much as she loves me? Not love her in the same way, show it in the ways she needs me to show it to feel secure?

Silence. Haphazardly wrapping pain in a thick blanket, in plastic and duct tape. A bubble, sitting on it in denial, floating. Distraction techniques perfected when dealing with depression - focus on the positive in the moment to deflect the negative. Denial was blanketing the bubble so thickly that even when asked directly by friends and family I was intellectual, logical, unhurt. Able to be happy with loved ones, mostly even able to feel their love, their compassion. A good ending to a disastrous week, the loss of love, clinging to the shreds of silver linings wherever I could find them.

I went on a date, my last night in town. Kind of on two, really. A sweet conversation and goodbye kiss with a friend who has been a flirtation and make-out partner on and off for a year. Then an evening adventure with an acquaintance/flirtation, wine on a mountain side overlooking the city while the moon rises and the wind encourages cuddling close together. She used to intimidate me with her queer coolness to the point that I could hardly talk to her, now I know she's even more self-conscious than I am and had been too nervous to ask me to play at the last party we both attended. We chased ducks in a park, and I listened to her sing in the car and sitting under a canopy of little christmas lights in her back yard. We danced around it for a long time, but she pulled me in for a kiss goodnight and I actually felt a tingle of lust dancing in my body as I deepened the kiss and we both kept coming back for more, welcoming me back to my sexuality that had been so shut off by being shot down over and over in times of relationship strife. She said goodnight and I left with a grin. I've had her songs stuck in my head ever since.

I feel weird going from ending a 2 year relationship that has changed my life, to kissing a woman who wants things I know to be incompatible with being in a partnership or any kind of relationship. A guilt of betrayal, and a guilt of not stopping things from escalating with someone who thinks kissing is a fairly intimate activity not to be done with just anyone. Safety in knowing we will likely never live in the same place, but awkwardness in avoiding what could be plainly spoken and cause a proportionate amount of hurt rather than waiting for it to cause more. Clearly this is a personality trait I need to iron out.