not again

I’m scared that I just don’t care. That I’ve stopped myself from caring. That I’m walling off, brick by brick, every time this happens. She pulls back, and I continue to reach out. I try to understand, I back off or apologize for things I thought were over, feelings I believed resolved. We get back to equilibrium, honeymoon, and it's beautiful. So much love, so much caring, so much desire, so much potential. Then I do something, she pulls back. I try and open to reach out, but it’s a little less emotional, a little more rational, a little more action than feeling. Each time it becomes a little more perfunctory, performance. Reassuring her that I’m still here through simple repetition, training her to trust me. But I’m scared that each time this happens, I’m going to keep being a little less open, closing off. I'm scared that once I’ve finally earned her trust in me being here through the hard times, I won’t have any trust left.